Book Review: ''Ten Rules of Dating in the Social Media Age"
I recently read a book about sex, love, and relationships called “Ten Rules of Dating in The Social Media Age”, by Dr. R.A. Vernon who happens to be the pastor of The Word Church which is my home church located in Cleveland, OH. Anyone who knows me can attest that I have a love-hate relationship with Pastor Vernon. While I admire his work and ministry and all that he does around the City of Cleveland, at times I feel like Pastor Vernon is a “dream seller”. Let me elaborate more on what I mean by this. As most Black churches, the Word Church is heavily populated by women and as a woman in his congregation, I always felt like he preached directly to the women of the church who are seeking a husband. I read his first book a few years ago simply titled “Ten Rules of Dating” and I was not a fan of the book. I felt like Pastor Vernon was selling a dream making women believe that if they did everything in this book God would send them a man. While I do believe in the power of God, I am also a realist. As I have discussed in the previous post "I am a Black Woman....I May Never Get Married" ,the reason for the Black woman being single has more to do with socio-economic reasons beyond our control that has torn up the Black Family.
Even though I was disappointed in Pastor Vernon’s first book, I decided to give him another shot and read is the current book. Let’s review some of my takeaways and what I learned about Christian dating in the digital age.
Rule 1. There Must Be Physical Attraction: This was the same rule from his first book and I could not agree more. Many times, before I have seen women, settle for a guy because he is nice but didn’t find him attractive. I think as we get older women are such in a rush to get married and to find someone who is stable that we forget we must be attracted to that person. Pastor Vernon says “get what you like” and don’t settle or feel shallow because you want to marry someone who fits the mold.
Rule 2. They Must Love Jesus: This is a Christian dating book so of course this rule is going to be high on the list but for me, I would be open to dating someone of a different religion. I do consider myself to be a Christian, however, I am not sure if my mate must be. I am very open-minded, and I must admit that I do not agree with everything in the bible (I do not believe being Gay is a sin) so this does leave the option for someone of another faith to come along and sweep me off my feet. My only ask is that the person does not force me to convert. I will embrace their religion and celebrate their holidays. I believe God is God and if you believe in a higher power you are good with me.
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Rule 3. There Must Be Compatibility and Connectivity: Do you and your mate have things in common? Do you share a common interest? Do you like the same types of activities, shows, music etc..? Now I know that men and women are different so there are going to be things that you do not have in common, however, to be in a relationship with someone you must share some common interest because if you don’t what are you going to do all day? Stare each other in the face??
Rule 4: Talk About Each Other’s Past: To truly understand someone, it is important to understand where they came from and where they have been. Pastor Vernon makes a point to include family origin as a part of knowing someone’s past. Family origin played a big part in why my last relationship ended. He was raised very differently from me and because of that, it was difficult for him to understand certain things about life.
Rule 5: Discuss Children: I have never seriously dated a man with kids but as I have gotten older I have thought about it as a reality more. My biggest concern with marrying a man with kids is how it will impact the household financially. These are all topics of discussion that Pastor Vernon recommends you should talk about and I don’t agree more.
Rule 6: Talk About Money: Now this a big rule that I struggle with. Pastor Vernon warns us not to marry someone based on their earning potential but based on what they have now. I do not totally agree with this rule. Money comes and goes, and we live in an ever-changing economy. You can marry someone with a great job, credit, and house and it can come to a crashing end quickly. I have been laid off in the past and it was hard for me to find another job, so I know first hand how your financial situation can change. I think you must look at a person’s hustle. They may not have a lot of money now but look at what they are doing to change it. Are they in school? Do they work a second job? Credit and earning potential can be fixed it’s a matter of what they are willing to do to change it.
Rule 7: Pace Yourself/Slow: So, in this rule, Pastor Vernon talks about once you think you have found the one to slow down and take a step back and be sure how to proceed. This is hard as hell I tell you. Once you figure out you love someone your heart starts racing and you forget you have a brain. You guys let me know how to do this.
Rule 8: Engage and Disengage: At this point in the relationship one must decide to get engaged or not. In my last relationship, I was ready to get engaged. We had been together for 2.5 years and I was certainly ready to go on to the next step. He wasn’t so I decided it was time to disengage.
Rule 9: Get Counselling: I have always said before I got married I wanted to do marriage counseling. I did not grow up in a home where I saw a healthy marriage and it is likely my mate has not either. I want to do it with someone I can be open with. Having a third party come in and help you sort through issues pre-marriage I believe will help you in the long run.
Rule 10: Don’t Touch: This is the rule where Pastor Vernon tells us not to have sex before marriage. This is a faith-based book so of course, this is going to be one of the rules. Sex is prohibited before marriage, so this rule is self-explanatory.
In conclusion, I have to say I did enjoy this book by Pastor Vernon. What I loved about it most was he encouraged us as women to give this book to man to read. These rules are great but if women are the only ones reading and following it, who the hell are we going to marry? The church is filled with women and it’s hard to get men to go, let along follow the teachings.
I challenge Pastor Vernon to write a book geared specifically to men teaching them how to be good husbands and fathers. I think if there is a book written specifically for them they may read it.
