When Do We Stop Giving Black Men a Pass?

God knows I love me a Black man. It's nothing like a strong Black man who loves a Black queen, but lately, I have been feeling some type of way about what Black men put Black women through.

I have never dated outside my race and I have no interest. I have only wanted a Black man and if I don’t have the opportunity to marry a Black man then I won't get married. Loyalty right?

I will be honest dating a Black man is hard. It takes a lot of work and patience as they develop into whatever it is they have to develop into before you can actually take them seriously.

But the real question is how long do you wait? How long does it take a grown man to develop into the man he needs to be for you? Do you help him?

These are all questions that I ask myself because when I meet a Black man I just know he is going to be broken and in need of some fixing.

In retrospect, I try not to be too hard on the Black man because, to be honest, the World is hard enough on them. The last thing he needs is a Black woman coming down on him because we are supposed to be his safe place. Due to systemic racism, which I touch on in a previous post called "I am a Black Woman... I May Never Get Married," the Black man will experience some harsh realities that other men will not experience. But at what point do you draw the line and say enough is enough and you stop the passes? Also, is there an age cutoff?

I do not think there is anything wrong with helping a man get to the next level in life but, he has to want it as much as you want it for him. There is an old saying "You can lead him to the water but you can't make him take a drink." This means you cannot do the work for them. You can be a helpmate but not an enabler. If you begin this behavior he will never be able to progress. 

You also have to think to yourself is he worth it. Will he ever change? Is this a project you want to take on?

I struggle with whether or not a man or anyone can change. I believe we are who we are at the core, and that does not change, it actually becomes harder as we age because we tend to get stuck in our ways, especially a man. I do believe a man's circumstances can change which can cause them to be a better candidate for a partner. Sometimes you meet a man and his circumstances can be just way too complicated for a relationship.

On the flip side, while I am doing all the work to fix you what are you doing for me. How are you supporting my needs or are you just sucking me dry? I believe in reciprocity. If I choose to help and support you, I need to feel appreciated. What are you doing to make me feel like this is all worth it?  What about the stress Black women take on? Who is going to be here for us as we support the Black men through his trials and tribulations? Thoughts Black men?

Photo-credit: Atlantablackstar.com